Sometimes you pick up a book and it disappoints you, it lulls you into a deep slumber and every word is a struggle, like eating an air burger or hugging a cactus. You nod and droll on the book and sometimes you feel guilty but every time you try to read the book you run into a brick wall.
We’ve all come across such books they are the landlords of literature. Then they’re those books that you can’t seem to put down. You’re glued to them from morning till evening, you find them hard to put down till you polish of the final sentence. You almost don’t notice you’re turning pages and you wonder what you will do with your life after finishing said book.
I picked up Gone Girl after I was done with The Girl on the train. It is one of those books that sheds a little bit of light on the diverse expanse of the psychology of women – A species that we’re always trying to figure out in vain.
[I won’t spoil, I’ll just give you a snack to hold your stomach before the main course, cool?]
If you’re like most chaps you meet your women outdoors and if she likes you she will accommodate you. She will laugh at your miserable jokes, she will love football just because you love football – hell, she will be a diehard Arsenal fan just because you support the team, never mind its EPL trophy cabinet is home to cobwebs and rats.
She will blow you like a Salvation Army trumpet and might even let you jerk off all over her tits even though she secretly thinks it’s disgusting.
She will tell you she thinks your snoring is cute when she actually hates it. You will tell her you’re going out with the boys and she will tell you to have fun and you will wonder if this girl was sent by the angels. You will wonder what you did to deserve her not knowing that she is sinking in her teeth deep into your flesh, poisoning you, and trapping you.
Because you’re an idiot like the rest of us, you will ignore all the signs and marry her.
Then you will wake up one day and cool girl will have disappeared and in her place a witch who knows you better than you know yourself. She will nag you because you’ve fallen short of the man she thought you were (or had the potential to become). She will have a smart answer for your every remark and she will wear you down with her cold shoulder in bed. Often you will be jerking off to instagram divas in the bathroom. (I hyperlinked Instagram by design, when I’m short of time to sit & write a sober article I take snaps & write short, raw, uncut musings there. Do check it out)
You will go nuts because nothing you do ever makes her happy. You will get angry and tired like every man does. You will want an escape but then you will realize you are trapped and no matter what girl you get the cycle will repeat itself. You will make a conscious decision to be an obedient puppy and do right by her because happy wife equals happy life.
Gone Girl is one of those books that every man should read, not because it features a crazy wife who does horrible things to keep his man grounded but because it confirms that men no matter how charming, crafty or witty will never win against women. They will always outfox and outsmart us each and every time. Always.
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I like to think of myself as a reader who writes, a Pan-African who thinks with the tips of his fingers, but when I’m not molesting the keyboard I’m usually destroying yogurt (not Frusion) or staring into the vastness of space.